Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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