barbara walters just said penis...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
