it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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