I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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