shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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