Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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