The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
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My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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