Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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