Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize