seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
