can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
