Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
