I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.