mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party