I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
