I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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