You're my little dorito
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
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The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me