do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.