Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂