did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
