my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
