his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
