Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize