Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
