Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
