Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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