It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
