So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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