I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.