I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.