I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.