When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
