filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
tell me about the eggs
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
