So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
