Apparently you make a good broom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
