I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
