I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
