What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
