Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
