Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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