nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
