dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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