I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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