i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???