So how was he last night?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I said "one day" and that day is not today