My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????