just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue