At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂