I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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