remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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