my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
