She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
