as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret