Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.