i jhust puked up my retainher.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Banned from zoo.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.