I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts