im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
