can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
