Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the day after is always just damage control
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
