i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
