So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
